I’m back posting my blog again. I have struggled with how to attack it again, and I continue to struggle – one of the problems with having a singular voice that you chuck out into the ether is that, in stage performer parlance, the ‘room is dead.’ There’s not necessarily a response, not necessarily an echo that lets you feel like you’re being measured. That means that when you fall silent, the vacuum doesn’t necessarily notice. There’s a pretty terrible equivocation you could make to the significance of human experience on a universal scale, but the point is that I actually feel that in a very real way. When I disappear for six to eight to twelve to thirty-six months, I enter a perception that, in having failed to throw my voice into the vacuum, I have demonstrated some fundamental failing as a creative person – that as someone who seeks to create in the world, not dumping my voice out into it, regardless of how ‘live’ or ‘dead’ the room is, is a kind of moral failure.
It’s weird, because people don’t by and large care – after missing my blorg for a few weeks, they might resign themselves to another of its intermittent disappearances, but chances are, because I’ve never sought to grow my audience, really, and thus my audience is generally just you, dear friends.
So let’s talk about why I haven’t been here – the short and long is that I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Feels good to say that, I’ve said it before, but it’s important, to me, to keep it at the forefront. This isn’t an excuse, really, so muchh as it is me revealing the facts.
Over the past four months, maybe five months, the world has kind of beat up on our little family. It’s not that we’ve been massively disenfranchised or whatever, just that we’ve had some circumstantial hardship and a lot of really great support from friends and family. Rundown:
- Katherine got really sick in a weird way. It’s been ongoing for the better part of three months, and it feels like we’re getting out of the woods now, but nonetheless…
- During the depths of her illness, we came across and ultimately rescued a Chihuahua/Terrier mix puppy. This is the first puppy for either of us, and it’s been a lot of work, work that has fallen on all of us, including our families, and work that sometimes I’ve been the only one able to do because of the above-mentioned sickness.
- My grandfather, John Robinson, died. This one is relatively recent. A death in the family is always a tragedy, despite his readiness for the end to his life – this one was particularly complicated by some of the events in my life that have contributed to my anxiety.
- My work situation has changed in interestingly complex ways. For obvious reasons, I can’t get super deep into that on here, but it has been a big factor. It changed pretty drastically over the last month or so, but it has been a slow burn toward this point for a few months.
So that’s what’s up. High-level, undoubtedly. I’m getting counseling and resolving as much of the rest of it as I can, but it’s been a lot.
In the interim, I’m facing other strange, new health questions related to my weight and I’m finally well enough on the other vectors to start taking weight loss seriously, which I am now doing. So FNtCG will resume and/or continue. I have lots to say about board games and my own efforts, and I’m going to d a few radical things:
I’m going to dump my most private game design stuff here. I need to stop living in a vacuum on some of this stuff. Even if no one can care who ultimately reads it, I can’t sit here with a folder full of League of Legends champion design notes with the ludicrous “notice me senpai” dream of someday impressing Patrick “Scarizard” Scarborough or any of the other Riot dude and ladies I follow on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/whatever. I’m going to start exposing my thoughts here because that’s important – and unsurprisingly it was my amazing wife who helped me remember that.
The other night we were talking about her Social Media presence (as a performer, that phrase isn’t actually ridiculous to her). I was comparing our relatively private, hands-off approach to the approach of some successful actor folks I know from way back when (Hey, Kasters, if you’re reading this) and I said something she really liked: “Any person who endeavors toward the Creative can’t avoid the Conversation.”
And that’s what stuck with her. She insisted we tweak the quote before I start putting it on mugs or whatever in my egotism (now available at cafepress.com/noitsnot [Just Kidding]), but the point of it was not lost on her and she kinda turned it back on me.
That’s how we find ourselves here. This is my monologue in the Great Conversation that constitutes the modern socio-digital landscape. Thus I cannot let it go gentle into that good vacuum.
So… I’m back again. Please like/share/retweet and whatever. It’s time for me to get real about this. Posts will try to stay to 500ish words and will range from exposing my ideas about games, their design and play, to conversations or even story notes from the D&D game(s?) I’m running.
So I’ll check you next week, when we’ll talk about me losing weight (again) and why at not-quite-32, that ain’t no joke. Take care everybody, and hope to see you back here soon.