Category Archives: Fat Nerd to Chic Geek

Chronicling my extensive and seemingly unending journey from Fat Nerd to Chic Geek.

Fat Nerd to Chic Geek Round 3 – Week 1

Week One is about to wrap up (again) here on Wednesday. I had a perilously fraught time getting started with this; my plan (which is to say, the plan created for me by my trainer) got lost somewhere on the tubes of the interwebs. Which, like, has always been kind of a joke we (nerds) make about people who don’t understand the internet, but recent Congressional Hearings have proven… like they super don’t get it.

There aren’t “tubes,” folks. I mean, there are, but it’s not like there’s  a stream of liquid data that nefarious parties are tapping into.

Yuck. I must be dieting. That sounded almost appetizing.

I should note, so I shall, that this round of weight loss is way more aggressive than the last one. Possibly due to my much scarier weight (of which near as makes no different 4 pounds is already gone. Take that, water weight), possibly due to the rapidly advancing deterioration of my physical husk (f@#$ you, 30s), possibly due to the fact that my long-term goals are a little nuttier this time. I’m eating six times a day, some variant of gruel composed of oatmeal and protein or just protein powder. Katherine’s been using this all plant kind? Shit seems biblically bad. It smells like a decaying back yard, and believe me, I have some familiarity with that.

Speaking of biblical, one of the prescribed foods is a thing called Ezekiel Bread, which more or less references a biblical recipe for bread. Specifically, Zeke’s 4th, Verse the 9th. But they craft this into tortillas (of a notion) as well. A concept I dubbed a “Zekirito.”

Katherine was underwhelmed. But liked it, because I am both a smart and clever boy.

Fat Nerd to Chic Geek, Round 3 | Week 0

I am back in the rat race. Or the fat race. Or the… race.. to.. not.. hey look, this is my bloargh, so I don’t need to cop to your metaprhoical rules, man. 

I’ve faced and tackled a few things since last we spoke. I’m in therapy now for depression and taking anti depressants. I’m working through some crap that’s happened to me in my real life that, I’m learning, isn’t exceptional in any way, and I’m refocusing on what matters: my life, my loves, and my health.

So let’s start at the tail end there. I’m at a terrifying 281 lbs. I’ve never been this heavy, never been this tired, and never been this scared. I have more than 140 lbs to lose in my long term journey, which I believe I can achieve, but for now, the first goal is to drop 30 lbs in 8 weeks. That’s a rough average of 4 lbs per week, which is aggressive but not impossible.

Toward that end, tentative schedule to which to hold myself:

Wednesday – 30 minutes cardio
Thursday – Break, due to Puppy Medical Appointments.
Friday – 30 minutes cardio
Saturday – Weight Training
Sunday – 30 minutes cardio

My goal is to get 30 minutes of cardio in 4 days a week and do weight training at least twice by the end of Week 1. This is Week 0.
– Week 2, I want to increase my cardio intensity.
– Week 3, the goal is to weight train 3 times  a week.
– Week 4, maintain week 3.

At Week 5, I expect to increase my cardio duration. The other piece of this is that I’m going to do it like 80% meat free. I’m using recipes from a book called the No Meat Athlete, because my wife is a vegetarian, and we’re reinforcing each other’s goals. I expect I’ll still eat meat at meals out on the town, but going meatless will be a big part of it. So my Weekly roundups will also include a food report. So this is like… a food blog now? Ew. I feel dirty.

Fat Nerd to Chic Geek | Round 2: Week 1.1

So, we’re back at this again. The last time I tried to start this, I made the mistake of doing it just after our 1st year anniversary and also just before we left for our 2016 Dublin-London journey extraordinaire. So, like, you know what you can eat in Dublin? Well, jeez, just about anything.

So I did.

Then, after we came back, we started on our whirlwind tour of our health insurance coverage – how it works, what is covered, and just about every piece of minutiae related to healthcare expenses.

In the midst of all that, a few important things came up with my doctor and my blood work and everything. The short version is I’m just short of the pre-betes on a couple of key factors. Still, it’s time to work hard at this. The recent installation of what Katherine calls a “Mega-Wegs” within shopping distance is quite useful to the healthiness endeavors. I’ve also joined a gym, just a basic Planet Fitness dealio, and am keen to make my first sojourn there. Which I shall do on the morrow! So, let’s do this pals.

(Perhaps not my most inspired post, but I wanted to remain consistent)

Fat Nerd to Chic Geek | Round 2: Week 1

Week 1 is in the bag. Again. And it wasn’t a bag of doritos, which I guess is a sign of improvement? That said, it was a fraught week. I didn’t get a chance to get solid workouts going, which stinks, but I’m working on sorting it out. Mostly achieved without carbonated, high-fructose libations, save for a cheat day that was Father’s Day.

This also coincides with our (Katherine and my) one-year wedding anniversary. We had a pretty amazing time recreating our wedding night at the Hotel Monaco.

…so I guess there is a kind of exercise I didn’t have access to the first time around. Still, going mostly to water and eating better has yielded the shedding of a few pounds, as it did before. I forgot how tough the first few weeks of dieting is, but I have the faith borne of evidence that it gets better. Things accelerated to a place where I enjoyed my efforts after only a few weeks, so I have high hopes for this time around.

Fat Nerd to Chic Geek: Week 8

I missed all kinds of deadlines this week – we didn’t hike last week and I won’t be going tomorrow, but I have a fun-ish story to tell about my trip to Pittsburgh, so I’ll supplant that entry tomorrow with that. I was pretty busy running around like a crazy person trying to get crap together for my graduation in Florida next week (getting my MFA and speaking at commencement because I won an award). Add work and trying to have a social life in pursuit of a meaningful connection with a woman on top of that and things get a little crazy. So that’s deadline explanation.

This was a weird week. I lost a pound but ate somewhat poorly, so I’m not too pleased with it. My workout schedule was also constantly abused by the reality of the rest of the world. And it’s completely impossible to guess at the nutritional values of well-prepared foods and nice restaraunts. I had something like a tune steak and two slices of white pizza as well as a glass of red wine, and I can only guess at how terrible the whole thing was. It was also fairly decadent, which is not something I typically go for, but I was pretty impressed and, you know, when you’re shooting for trying to be good company, it doesn’t hurt to step outside your comfort zones.

What was really cool about this week was the ability to review some footage of myself from a few months back. Specifically, eight. Becky and Zach had never actually showed me photos of their wedding (almost a year ago, which is like, what?), but now having seen them, I was accosted immediately with two distinct thoughts:

1. Holy crap I was fat.
2. You are still fat, dude.

That second one sounds like I’m disparaging myself, but it’s a reality that, while I like the way I feel and the new ethic or continuing to be aware of what I’m consuming and how much physical activity I require of myself, I still need to inflate the musical volume levels vertically, inflate ’em vertically, as it were. I worked out the math and I’m a good pant size smaller than I was then. I’ve also been learning how to make an intelligent adult person decision when it comes to the acquisition of suits and their constituent pieces, so I no longer appear to be swimming in them as I was in those photos. I have very little shame of those photos. There was an obligatory “jump” shot where the whole bridal/groom party thing had to jump so the photographer could snag an image of it. While almost all of them feature me in some shameful bout of exuberance facially, on at least one, I achieved an unrivaled vertical clearance, and the positioning of my arms makes it looks like it is my intent to deliver a flying Muay Thai -style knee-smash to the head of the bridesmaid adjacent to me. Which is terrible, because she was, by any recollection of the moment, a lovely person, lovely enough that I have no memory of wanting to stove in her skull with a flying knee to the cranium.

So in a lot of ways, I’m a little regretful that I’m not one who is more for photos. Seeing a former ultra-tubbo version of oneself proves to be vastly inspiring toward becoming even less so. Life has a fascinating and cruel way of making that, it must be said, quite difficult.

Fat Nerd to Chic Geek: Week 7

Hiatus concluded. 

This week has featured the following truths: of a 20-minute cardio workout, I now run for 12 of those minutes. Each and every time, I wish to die. I am told this is entirely normal. I’m also told that I’m running wrong? I don’t know about that part. I have a bad habit of not stretching properly after I work out, which is murderous the following morning, but since I alternate my cardio days and my weight-lifting days now, it’s somewhat more survivable. I worked out six times over the past week and am set to do the same this week. The diet thing had gotten a lot easier because of the patently excellent application LiveScape that I snagged for my new Windows 7 Phone. Well, new to me. Yes, I’m that guy with a Windows 7 phone, and you know what? I like it, so back up off. No, I can’t do all the cool shit your jailbroken Android phone can do. No, I don’t have the rich, integrated user experience that your iPhone has. What I have is a good smartphone that’s not filled with endlessly distracted bullshit and a pretty smart sync system to my new car.

It’s also a great companion for working out, because the Netflix and Spotify apps for it are actually basically fantastic. But I was talking about Livescape, and plugging the shit out of it.

Continue reading

A Good Day For A Long Walk – Hungover

It turns out that this is a terrible idea. 

Which I’m sure 99% of human persons can tell you without having to do it. A friend of mine had a party a few weeks back, and, like you do at parties, I consumed what I’m going to call an ordinate amount of refreshing adult beverages. Drinking games were played, fun was had, and I think I wound up calling it a night around 3? Maybe 2? I don’t remember. It’s not important. Well, it’s relevant, but the cogent data is that it was really god damn late or really god damn early, depending on how you choose to measure time along your axis of reality.

We go hiking at 7am.

Seven. Aye. Em.

Continue reading

So Busy – Or FNtCG Hiatus

So I was doing a series of Articles at the turn of the year titled “From Fat Nerd to Chic Geek” that was a chronicle of my efforts at being a happier, healthier human being. And, honestly, they were working. I weigh almost 50 pounds less than I did at the start of the year.



If you’re wondering, “why all the white space?” That was an applause break. You should fucking clap.

Continue reading